Smplfd.Com: Champion of the Blogsphere

I’ve decided that I need to start dressing the part. So I cruised on over to styleforum and wrote a post asking for help:

Ladies and Gents,

I have aspirations to become a professional blogger. I need some fashion advice. Honestly I really have no idea what bloggers tend to wear, since, well, I’ve never really met a blogger before in real life.

I’m thinking:

- An assortment of over-sized bath robes for blogging in
- Some skinny jeans for hitting up Starbucks
- Something "symbolic" to hang around my neck that doesn’t make much sense
- Used Airwalks or Vans, but only one pair
- An earring? I don’t want to be cliche, though

Any help would be greatly appreciated. And please, lets keep the responses serious and on topic.

I’ve decided it’s time for an immersion process. I’ve got to understand what this blogging thing is all about. Otherwise I will never be able to con my readers into clicking on my adsense words or other ingenious advertisements.

So, today I surfed the blogsphere. I found an interesting poem at TeeahhUrie’s Blog:

Josh is stressed.
And he is stressing me.
and I don’t like it.
it’s not cool.
and now he’s telling me my music has been murdered…
okayy!!
scared, bored and tierd.
love it.?!

Rhodes Scholar? Probably. Then I arrived at another blog named Iimah’s GamePad:

Today at school I turned in all my homework. Im so proud of myself I deserve a pat on the back. where is my dog. anyway today at school I almost got into a fight. cus dis girl was eying da hell out of me but i kept my cool cus imma boss

A racey story. I was just happy that noone got shanked.

There are definitely a large percentage of bloggers that write about their day at school or work. This is unfortunate. In fact, the entire purpose of drugs and alcohol are to forget about your day at school or work. There is no need to relive the events in writing when you can just forget about them through substance abuse. Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that I am much wiser than the majority of other blog writers.

However, I do think this guy is on the right track:

This research provides a surefire method for readers of the Dilbert Blog to improve their sex lives. Go down to the local mall with a clipboard and pretend to be doing a research experiment. Offer $1 to attractive people who will write a paragraph describing how incredibly sexy you are. (Based on the research, you should offer a low dollar amount so people don’t think they did it entirely for the money.) Tell participants that the research has to do with handwriting analysis of people who are writing opinions they do not believe. Stop after you get 100 people to do it. That’s less than the cost of one meal at an upscale restaurant.

Give the participants your e-mail address and tell them they can get the results of the research study in a month if they contact you. According to the science, about two-thirds of the people who wrote a paragraph on your sex appeal will strongly believe it a month later, no matter how hideous you are. And a few of those people will remember to e-mail you for the results. You’ll still have to close the deal, but I think we can agree that I just did the hard work for you.

I applaud him for coming to the correct conclusion that the fairer sex must be mastered through manipulation. However, there’s a better method, so I left him a comment:

Dilbert:

I think you’re on the right track here, but utilizing chloroform would  drastically shorten your timetable and increase your results ten-fold.

Well, apparently I got a little bit ahead of myself. Over a month later, the money did not exactly start rolling in after my first post. That’s okay. All the online business blogs that I’ve been reading say that it’s good to learn from failure. And, of course, I’ve watched The Secret, so I know that I’ve got to stay positive.

Anyway, it appears I need to post more.

The first step to making riches off my blog was the selection of a semi-clever yet fairly unrelated web address. I took the word simplified and eliminated the vowles. This is more likely to get me traffic than iamrippingyouoff.com. Also, someone unintelligent will blog about how great the name is. Cha-ching. More web hits! In this manner I will take the blogsphere by storm.